What’s Love Got to Do With Jiu-Jitsu?
How did Jiu-Jitsu intertwine into my dating life? If you are thinking of some kinky choke move, you are on the wrong page…but call me…for the number to a counselor…and to my favorite bar…and the times I’ll be there. All jokes aside…call me. But really, Jiu-Jitsu helped me with my dating life, and it had nothing to do with the cut of my vale tudo shorts.
Like the dating scene, I have gone through a metamorphosis of sorts over the last 25 years. I was married for 20 years, so at the time I entered the “house of balls and chains,” people still willingly went on “blind dates” and placed personal classified ads in the newspaper in the hopes of a “connection” through a letter from some interested stranger in a week or two later. Did I mention any pictures?
I didn’t because there were none exchanged until after you got to “know each other.” Yeah, can you believe it? Waiting on a g’ damn handwritten letter, like an inmate.
Twenty-five years later, dating is randomly peering at our cell phone screen while on the toilet at every “available” person that meets our dating criteria within 50 miles of us before we flush the second time. (If you still have your phone in your hand after the 1st flush, please don’t show up at my favorite bar).
Today’s dating world isn’t about experiencing the full spectrum of emotions felt on an Earth, Wind and Fire (EWF) album. You know the EWF albums, which always included an array of feel-good, hand-holding love songs, but not without a few uncomfortable and tearfully begging verses shrilled by lead singer Philip Bailey. HA!! Yes, there enters the Jiu Jitsu…the un-fucking-comfortable.
Yeah, I admit it; I was sometimes dating for the fun and the ego stroke. (I don’t see anything wrong with that as long as everyone’s expectations are aligned.) However, at times I met some amazing women, and not making myself available to a level of commitment that poses the possibility of a future discomfort made me unrealistic of what I could build from a collection of “fun” moments. (Not to mention wasting these wonderful women’s time).
As a result, a couple of dynamic women came and went. I still smiled, loved, and learned, hence the happy blogging here, but I didn’t get to that “Earth, Wind, and Fire” experience because I didn’t want to “spar” at full speed and endure the possibility of getting hurt.
Jiu-Jitsu can be like dating…shit, I’m 50 years old, work full time, and am a full-time Ph.D. student. I don’t have time for injuries, of the body or heart, that can take me off my paces for more than a day or two. However, the avoidance of discomfort in any area of life in which I seek to better myself only hinders my progression to the level of proficiency I want to experience in Jiu Jitsu…and love. I hate to be in painful situations (or to put anyone else in that position), but it’s that discomfort that forces me to grapple with perceived understandings to reveal new strengths and content. That discomfort enables me to learn new ways to experience love…of jiu-jitsu and life.
Yup, here are two potentially painful but very worthy experiences of discomfort. Good fighters and relationships do not fall out of the sky. They come from a sincere and earnest effort offered to committed involvement. You can buy books claiming all the “right moves” to an effortlessly lived perfect life. Still, few experiences are similar to the sensation of vulnerability that will force the immediate consideration of what is truly important….my desire to pass guard or prevent being choke to death. That vulnerability promotes first-hand learning and involves a life absent of cowardice to love or spar.
Do get me wrong, the information in books is invaluable, but without getting hit in the face (or heart), do you actually “get it” when it comes to being in the moment. If I wanted to feel the full benefits of love, like in grappling, I realized the energy spent avoiding their ugly sides would be like running in the rain to avoid getting wet. Inevitably, I’ll receive the same soaking (Hagakure). Once again, I’m getting closer to being comfortable with the uncomfortable.
Disclaimer: Be selective of your “training” partners to ensure compatible learning objectives and expectations… in love and Jiu-Jitsu. Some pain is unwarranted and unhelpful. Avoid those partners that express themselves in this manner as your learning may/will mainly lie in civil law procedures.
